I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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