Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
