Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
