I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
