grandma shit on top of the toilet
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
