I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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