I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize