Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
