I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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