At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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