She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize