Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I could make wine with my vomit
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize