I think i peed on brittanys purse
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I am available for nakedness
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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