he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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