Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I pour the whiskey from now on
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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