I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
