i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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