it wasn't lemon gatorade
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
