I will die if light touches me.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
