The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
