You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
