Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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