I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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