With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
