I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
