Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
