people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
