u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
