Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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