I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
