so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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