Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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