I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she peed on how many people?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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