I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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