You made me cry and you don't even care
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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