I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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