theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
