he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
