I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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