is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
