I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
