So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
