Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Fuck appropriateness.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
