Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
