Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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