I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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