Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
