I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
