my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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