Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
