Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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