I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
