my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
