so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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