Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
