my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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