My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
