My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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