how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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